The Power of Vulnerability

The Power of Vulnerability

Pull up a chair, sis. (And fellas too) This is exactly what it sounds like.  Let’s get right into it.

Vulnerability. Man, look.

The simple mention of that word is enough to make me shift my weight and squirm in discomfort.  
Allow me to explain:  I consider myself to be, pretty much, an open book. Folks know that I share my experiences online—that I can be super transparent and often use my daily situations, accomplishments and failures to both express my humanity, and to encourage myself and others on this journey called life. Even with all the perceived negatives of social media, I’ve come to find that shared experiences make one feel less alone. To know that you’re not the only one going through life’s challenges in the way that you are, can be a huge relief. At any rate, even with all of my so called “openness”, I still have the tendency to distance myself from certain situations that call for just that.  What are they? You guessed it; matters of the heart.

First, let’s look at the definition of the V word. I can barely say it without flaring up my acid reflux.
Vulnerable: adjective
susceptible to physical or emotional attack or harm.
 

 

Bruh. Who the HELL wants to be that?

It is simply basic human instinct to strive, at all times, to protect ourselves. Even the homie Sigmund Freud said, that “the deepest essence of human nature consists of self-preservation.”


What a mind f**k.

How in the hell am I supposed to self-preserve and seek love at the same damn time?  And that, my friends, is the question I ask myself every day.

I have literally ruined great potential partnerships by my unwillingness to open up completely, in that regard. As caring of a person as I can be, when it comes to dealing with relationships with men, I have only allowed them to get but so far, until I feel myself falling. Then, I take a lap and trap myself behind this extensional, proverbial wall.

Now, this wall? It’s not like Cheeto Satan’s alleged wall, but it might be just as absurd. In my mind, it’s made of glass, so technically, I’m able to see bae on the other side, and he can see me. (hey boo!) We talk to each other, we send cute gifts and exchange texts and calls. Every now and again, I come out from behind it when it’s time to be intimate, but I always return to my side, and he’s simply not allowed to cross the line.
Not only can that make one look emotionally unstable and partially insane, it can also be truly exhausting for the other person to think for example, that he’s getting ready to play basketball, and then I show up with a hockey stick, some cleats and a relay baton, smiling.  Girl, get your life.

The truth of the matter is, in order for me to truly love and be loved, that wall must come down. This is also not just a woman thing. I recognize that male vulnerability is a unique nuanced experience, that can be beautiful and just as difficult.

So, what does it ultimately boil down to, friends?

Fear.

Jazmine Sullivan said it best:  *sings* ‘’I’m not scared, of lions and tigers, and bears, but I’m scared of loving you.”

I feel you, sis. It be’s like that. We all know that when you lend your heart to another person, you’re essentially giving them the ability to break it into a million bite sized pieces. One day, I’ll tell y’all the full story. but basically– many moons ago– a bright eyed and bushy tailed Grace entrusted her heart to someone. Needless to say, brotha man violated in the most horrific of ways, and I haven’t quite been the same since.

Therapy? Yes. I go. But a decade later, I realize that I am still subconsciously fearful of the possibility of being hurt to that degree ever again. That said, a more recent romantic situation has taught me how much I can lose if I don’t overcome this obstacle.

I’ve come to understand that you have to harness the power of the V. (no, not that V. Nasty… Although, that post may soon come) and let it work for you. Understand that:

1. Great things are on the other side.

You might get hurt, granted. That’s life. But you also might flourish and find the great love that you’ve been yearning for. Discernment is key to deciding who and what to expose yourself to, but completely guarded emotions, cannot and will not work.

2. Self-Sabotage ain’t cute.

It doesn’t look good on you. Why push yourself further away from the things and people who are beneficial for you?  As ambitious women especially, I have no doubt that we will go for the jobs, apply for the promotion– but with love, we hesitate. Emotionally blocking yourself for the sake of safety is natural, albeit. But it can also be unproductive.

3.  You’re worth it: Say it with me. Vul-ner-ability. You will literally get nowhere from behind a glass wall. In order to move forward in love and in life, you have to open yourself up. It might not always get you the answers you want, but you will have the ones you need.

Trust yourself.

If for the first time, or like me, again.  

After all, Freud also said, “out of your vulnerabilities, will come your strength.”

It’s about time for me to take his– and my own–advice.

 

By: GraceOnTheMic
Twitter & IG: @GraceOnTheMic
Previously posted on: http://www.thegraceperiod.com/
#AreYouVSOP #TheVSOPLife
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5…

 

On July 31, 2011, I embarked on a journey with a woman that I was in love with…madly in love with.  When I woke up that morning, the sun was shining bright and I had time to reflect as all of my groomsmen were recovering from the night before. I decided to take a walk through downtown Hartford to clear my head, reflect on my past, and focus on my future. I understood the gravity of the step that I was about to take and I accepted that with an open mind and open heart. I received a text from Orsella Cooper-Hughes, the Officiant of our wedding, who is a trusted family member and spiritual advisor. Her message to me was simple, “keep God first little cuz, today will be a great day”, and that it was! The fine details of the wedding went as planned. It was one of the hottest days of the summer, but it was an epic event and truly one of the greatest days of my life. When the party was over, the last vendor paid, the last rounds of toasts made, and the last of the guests departed. There remained my beautiful bride and me, left to start our journey with each other and God. That day was the beginning of us as husband and wife; the start of a marriage that has faced many ups and downs, heartache and happiness, challenges and triumphs. The past five years have been full of experiences and a wide range of emotions. It has tested our faith in God, our belief in ourselves and our belief in one another.

Sacrifice is one of the first thoughts that come to mind when I consider the first five years. Sacrifice is defined by Webster Dictionary as “the act of giving up something that you want to keep especially in order to get or do something else or to help someone.” Our first year of marriage was defined by sacrificing comfort, money and time in order to solidify a better future for ourselves and our family. Throughout that period of sacrifice, there were experiences and stressors that we faced that have done a lot of other relationships in. Fortunately, we were blessed to have a good foundation established by our pre-marital counseling, a strong faith in our relationship, a real friendship that was formulated prior to intimacy and God as our guide. Oh and one other big thing, we did not allow others to “peek into our blinds” by taking to social media with our issues. We were and continue to be selective in what we choose to share with the rest of the world, some things simply aren’t for everyone to see. When the times have gotten rough, we put down the electronic devices, draw closer to one another and our trusted few.

Acceptance and support have been huge in our union. When Melissa walked down that aisle, she walked into the arms of a very flawed man who was and remains a work in progress. She knew what she was getting herself into, as did I. We have accepted one another for who we are, what we bring to the table and what we lack. Though there has been a ton of acceptance, there has been very little settling. Though we have accepted the fact that the other person has flaws, we do not settle for anything but the best from one another. That means that there are difficult conversations that need to be had and many “GET IN THE CAR” moments (that’s an insider that a few of you will understand). Another aspect of acceptance is accepting the dreams of the person that you devote yourself to and supporting them in every endeavor. Anybody that knows me knows that I am an extremely active person with big dreams and lots of goals. My dreams and goals come with a price and that price is usually time. I thank God that I have someone by my side that supports my endeavors, listens to my dreams and helps me to make sense out of the best way to achieve them. As our lives have grown, so has the list of dreams, projects, and endeavors that my wife has taken on. I have tried my hardest to be intentional about reciprocating the support and encouragement that she has given to me. The balance of being each other’s biggest fan is important and necessary.

Fun is extremely important to have with your partner. Make time for one another to do the things that make you happy. Whether it’s a date night once a month, spending time with a group of friends that you both enjoy or simply finding a babysitter and having dinner without interruptions from the little ones in your life, enjoying one another’s company is helpful. It reminds you of the “magic” that led you to commit to forever with one another, it helps you to remember that in the midst of all of the curve balls that life throws, you have one another. It also provides a very necessary balance to the grind of building and securing the future of your family.

Lastly, love one another and love unconditionally. There will be good days and there will be bad. There will be disagreements, rolled eyes, raised voices and moments of “I can’t stand you right now”. During those moments, remember to love. In the midst of financial turmoil, choose love. When the doctor gives a bad report, choose love. When there’s a loss of loved ones and other forms of heartache, choose love. When your pride tells you to try to get the last word, choose love. No matter what the situation or circumstance….choose love. In order to choose love, you must remember to focus on love and what it is about the person across from you that made you fall in love. Be intentional about telling them what they do that makes you fall in love all over again and focus on making those things happen for your partner.

Remember that there will be times in which choosing love does not seem like the answer, during those times….choose to PRAY for the person that you love. I am a man that is far from perfect and what works for my relationship may not work for you. This is MY view on what has sustained the first five years of my marriage. I am blessed to have an amazing wife who has taught me what love, acceptance, support, and encouragement is. I truly cannot imagine what my life would be like without my wife. She is an amazing wife, mother, step-mother, and friend. She is goal oriented, driven and did I mention –she is drop dead gorgeous! I look forward to many more milestones with her and the growth of my family. I believe in love because of her and I believe that love always wins when you want it to.

Happy Anniversary to the most amazing woman in the world and cheers to forever!

 

Tai D. Richardson
#AreYouVSOP #TheVSOPLife
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Give Her That D.I.C.K

Give Her that D.I.C.K

The sweetest woman in the world could be the meanest woman in the world. If you make her that way.  You keep hurting her, she’ll keep being quiet. She might be holding something inside, that’ll really really hurt you one day.

On your first DATE you wore your best clothing. You went to the barber shop that day just so you can look and feel like a million bucks. We all know how we feel once we leave that barbershop chair, with that fresh razor straight edge up. You sprayed your body with your finest cologne. Your car was clean from head to toe, with a hint of that new car smell, that you sprayed as you were leaving the car wash.  You actively searched Google for places that were somewhat outside the box of your normal thinking; somewhere you can dine for the evening. You both were equally excited as you stared into each other’s eyes, talking, listening, flirting, charming, laughing, smiling, eating with hopes to end your night staring at your phone waiting for that “I had a good time text.” Ten years later, you look back and wonder what happened to that feeling as you lay in bed on a Friday or Saturday night next to your significant other, watching them fall asleep after a long exhausting work week. Fellas, are you forgetting to DATE your woman? She needs a night out with you where she can get all dressed up. She wants to laugh with you. She wants to you to take her places since you always have a big issue with her going out on the weekends with her friends.

WWE superstar Kurt Angle used to have an expression that went something like this: Intensity, INTEGRITY Intelligence, the 3 I’s as he often referred to it. When it comes to the mind, body and soul of a woman, she tends to focus on one thing as it relates to a man. INTEGRITY. What are you doing, who are you doing it with, why are you doing it, when are you doing it and how are you doing it? Matter of fact, think about that good morning text or afternoon call. Does this sound familiar? Hey wassup? What you doing? How you doing? What you doing later? What time will you be home? I’m actually laughing hysterically thinking about my own circumstances and how frequent these questions come. At the end of the day a lot of women struggle with trusting the integrity of man. If you are spending half of your conversations addressing your social media behavior, the mysterious text messages that you frequently get with no saved names, or your late night disappearing acts with delayed dry text messaging responses, you are raising red flags that will derail any easing on down the yellow brick road when you are seeking satisfaction. In the words of Ice Cube and R. Kelly, check yourself before you wreck yourself, cause when a  woman’s fed up, there ain’t nothing you can do about it. It’s like running out of luck. And it’s too late to talk about it. INTEGRITY.

It’s 5:30pm in the afternoon. You just got off work and your body is screaming for the following: sleep, food or the gym. You have to pick up the kids, go home, and figure out how to do all of the above before your body simultaneously agrees to shut it down. You walk into the house to observe your wife, girlfriend, significant other or whatever you call her stretched out on the couch getting caught up on her favorite reality show. As your nostrils intensely search for  just a hint of something jerked, curried, fried, baked, broiled, barbequed, microwaved, shaked or baked, your brain has come to realization that it was just your imagination. As an amateur you blatantly cry out, “Baby you ain’t cook nothing?”  Ignorantly failing to realize that one question alone dried up the river of life ceasing any possible advancement to wade in the water later in the evening. Fellas let me help you out with something for a second. Big momma and ’em are gone and don’t appear to be returning anytime soon. Women are educated, career empowered, mothers and community leaders, equally if not more busy than their male counterparts. NO way am I saying that women don’t know how to cook nowadays, but the expectation and frequency of this skill set is what I am addressing.  When speaking in a certain love language ask yourself this question:  When was the last time you baked a bean, mashed a potato,  filleted a fish, oodled a noodle? Nothing is more sensual to a woman than watching her man cater to her for a change by setting the dinner table and engaging in a CONVERSATION (that you actually LISTEN to) over something that you have prepared for her, making your quest for Camelot more rewarding. If dinner wasn’t such a powerful tool, then why did you take her out to eat on your first 5 dates when courting her??? Cook her some dinner…

Cleaning is the new form of communication. When a man cleans up after himself, his children and after dinner it expresses a few different things. Watch me work and don’t miss this point. I learned that simply cleaning bottles without being asked or told can really make a woman smile. It expresses to her that you are willing to make the same sacrifices she makes daily. Simple task right? But easily forsaken when the Knicks or Eagles are playing. Waking up and changing diapers in the middle of night is also a shared, silent form of communication. This next example is a big one. After she cooks, you get up and say don’t worry about the dishes you’ll take care of it. Cleaning is a shared responsibility. It eliminates the gender role complex that most modern women in this generation want to HULK SMASH, and it can express a form of appreciation. It took me a while to grasp this concept. All I have to do now is master the art of laundry and I’m golden. You can’t make love on top of a bed full of dirty clothing. CATER to your woman.

When was the last time you really KISSED your woman? She is dying for you touch her soul with your lips in ways that you used to. The touch from your partner is extremely important. It’s not always about sexual intercourse. A kiss good morning, a kiss good night, and kissing while engaging in sexual intercourse can go a long way. I believe that most women enjoy the passion that comes with kissing. Think back to when you both first started dating…

Moral of the story, gentlemen, is simple. You are complaining that your woman has decreased in her wild sexual nature, but you stopped speaking to her needs. The hot, lusty, passionate chemistry that you all shared when you were steaming up the back seat of cars is gone. You need to stimulate her in ways that don’t require sexual advancement. Watch how she responds. While you are looking for SEX from her, she really wants, needs and responds to the D….

Don’t debate me and give her the D.I.C.K… (DATE, INTEGRITY, CATER, KISS)

 

By Mr. NiceGuy
Twitter: MrNiceGuyVSOP
IG: Trev.s.op
AreYouVSOP #TheVSOPLife
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It Only Took A Pen & A Phone

Write or not to write….that is the question???

Are you questioning if you should journal for fear of having record of this tumultuous time in your life? Are you struggling with getting your thoughts together? Or is “writing” something you just don’t do?

Whatever may be holding you back, I think journal-ing is a great option for a person facing transition in their lives.

 

One thing I must say, journal-ing and writing down what I was going through while dealing with my separation, divorce and even now, post-divorce it still helps! It wasn’t the easiest of decisions to make honestly, because as much as I like to write, I like to read too. So I knew that documenting the hurt, the struggles, the triumphs and even the drama all in a journal (or several journals to be exact), I would at some point go back and read some of these entries. Do you have that same problem, or fear you will do the same thing?

Well, listen, the truth is I did. I did go back and read and in the beginning, it was painful to read. But we are not exempt from pain or disappointment; what we do have power over is how we deal with the trials we will face in life. You can either live in fear and worry about what you “will do” or you can live now and focus on getting through this moment in your life. I decided to continue to journal and vent via writing, drawing, painting, being creative in anyway I felt comfortable. It turned out to be a great decision and an emotional one all at the same time. I really really struggled with some entries versus others. However; when reflecting on what I wrote, I got a sense of peace, knowing though I faced such turmoil and such heartache…I MADE IT.

No one can take that from you. No man, woman, or child. So why not you? START TODAY! Start writing, venting, scribbling, writing poems, collaging, taking selfies. Whatever you have to do to manage all the emotion; do it that. If you have a hard time figuring that out. Start with things that you enjoy doing and do it often. Use that energy to heal: release that stress, anxiousness, pain, and anger.It will be tough some days, but push through!  

Taking ‪#‎Selfies‬ helped me to witness change through my transition seeing my mood, expression and even my hair color/weight change. But seeing the entries from the beginning of my journey until now gives me another reason to smile and rejoice. Once I was able to jot down all the anger and disappointment of what was “happening to me”, I was able to move from the victim-hood mentality and move closer to forgiveness and gratefulness.

So, naturally, my entries turned from angry rants to soothing words of gratitude and delight. Writing what I was grateful for changed my view tremendously. It helped to remind me that I was not where I started and I definitely was growing and evolving! Praise the Lord! Because he knows, none of this is easy. But hard doesn’t mean impossible! With him it is possible. His grace is enough. Follow me on this journey of gratitude and forgiveness.

Order your “Action Speaks” journal today @ http://www.chelamora.com! Start journal-ing and taking your selfies. Remember to follow me @chelamora and @lamoracheheart on Instagram and when you start your selfies use the hashtags #selfie and #selfiechronicles. This is your journey, take hold and be of great courage, you are not alone. Much love.

-Che’

+1? 4Y!? (Plus One For Why?!)

So I’m reading this blog that I frequent, and one of the writers wrote a post about Netflix passwords. Within this Netflix password post, he starts with an anecdote about plus-one events like weddings (and eventually got to how sharing Netflix passwords with significant others is a thing, but then you gotta change the password when it’s over because the plus one on the password is no longer a plus one… really good stuff). Anyway, I couldn’t get my mind off of the plus one at a wedding. It was just a part of this writer’s set up, but it’s a common thing that people think and I can’t wrap my mind around it. Like, WHY would anybody feel the need for a plus one at a wedding?

Let’s break down what is happening in the scenario. In order to feel the need to have a plus one, said person is single. Not single like unmarried, this person is actually single. How do we know? We know because it’s a wedding, bro. I had the biggest wedding that I’ve ever been to. 250 invites that led to 220 attendees, and the guest list was a huge hassle! The wife and I fought over the guest list many a night. This means that lots of thought is put into the guest list, and everybody who is invited has been scrutinized. We see you when you’re sleeping, we know when you’re awake, we know if you live with your girl and if your relationship is serious (for goodness sake). If your relationship is serious, then two spots are saved with the quickness. If your situationship is NOT serious or if you’re not in a situationship, then you’re single, and you don’t get that plus one.

*SIDEBAR* Being that guest lists and weddings are generally on the small side, do you realize how important that invitation is? That invitation may say “You are cordially invited to blah blah blah” but what it really means is “Ay bruh, you are one of my closest MANS! You know, like REALLY important to me. Important enough that I’m gonna spend over 100 bucks on you to come eat and drink with me on the MOST IMPORTANT day of my life and all you gotta do is show up.” Do you non married people realize how dope that is? *SIDEBAR CLOSED*

Anyway, so now you’re a part of the chosen few. Keep in mind, each party only gets half of the guest list (anybody that knows me… do you realize how hard it was to limit my list to 125?!). Then the single people will send a text and ask “yo, bro… uh… what’s good with a plus 1?”. You wanna make somebody mad? Send THAT text to a person who decided you were worthy of being on their wedding guest list. That person already fought their fiancée to get you on the list last week, and didn’t get any sex as a result, and now you wanna ask for an additional person? C’mon son!

However, I get it. Society, magazines, TV, and movies make y’all feel like you need to bring a date. Fair enough. But again, let’s break this down. You’re going to celebrate a union of love between two people. Everyone loves that. The most thuggish dudes will look away during written vows to ensure that thug tear doesn’t soak his velvet suit. Everyone is smitten with love. That’s how weddings work. But have y’all not thought about who attends weddings? ALL OF THE BRIDE’S SINGLE FRIENDS! And while the thug is looking away, the brides friends said f*%k it and their brand new form fitting dress has tears soaking the straps of their halter top. Tears of happiness, and tears of yearning for THAT type of love. This is the beach, my friend. Why bring the sand?!

After the ceremony, there’s generally a cocktail hour with passed out hors d’oeuvres and free liquor. Think about this fellas. This is like the best supermarket run you’ve ever had. Instead of reaching for the same tomato and having to make small talk, you and a finely dressed lady that is still swooning over the love in the air, are reaching for the same bland stuffed mushroom plate and with an alcoholic drink in your hand and an automatic commonality that you both can easily bring up to break the ice. If that’s not a Chris Paul to Blake Griffin alley-oop, I don’t know what is. Additionally, you JUST started drinking so you still have your wits about you!

Still not convinced? Cool. Let’s play out the plus one scenario. You asked the baddest single woman you know to stunt on these hoes at the wedding. You pick her up and she looks like a Thanksgiving spread at Grandma’s crib. You’re hyped. You roll up there and help her out the car door (because you’re reading VSOP and you’re a gentleman #nshit). You roll up in the wedding with her on your arm. Every dude there gives the mandatory black man’s head nod. Every chick gives her and you the once over. You even see some eye rolls. You won! Then cocktail hour happens. You can’t really mingle how you wanted to because you have to introduce her to all your boys. You can’t meet anybody attractive cause that’s kinda disrespectful. You have to continually get up and get her drinks if she’s not very social, because she doesn’t know anybody there. You can only really dance with her all night because the other attractive women are swooped up by the real unattached guys there and they’re looking for love. Now you’re bored and as a result you drink too much and your date gets mad at you and now y’all gotta call an Uber and leave early. You just had a night of introductions and conversation with somebody you don’t really care ALL that much about. On top of that you heard rumors that one of the bride’s male friends dirty macked on her while you were getting her a drink and he bagged it. That night sounds like it sucks to me.

Furthermore, two months later, the two of you decide it’s not really working out. The sex got repetitive, the conversation was lacking, your friends don’t intermingle well, she’s a vegan and judges you for eating a steak, you prefer ESPN to episodes of The Bachelor, and you heard that she was seen at the movies with the bride’s friend from the wedding. Yup. Soak that in. So what did you actually do here? You just brought a random, who nobody will ever see or think about again, to the event that your good friend threw to celebrate the most important day of his life. You took pictures with said random that are in your friend’s wedding photo album FOREVER. That random took away a seat from another important person in your friend’s life, and it’s all for not. Thanks, homie.

So don’t be that guy. Don’t bring replaceable sand to the beach. Don’t ask for a plus one. You’re just causing damage. Embrace your single. Find your new queen (for the night) there. I’m not saying that this happened at my wedding or anything… but you MIGHT get lucky in the bridesmaid suite with one of the bride’s homies. Love is in the air, after all.

By: Doug R.

@wildmanjones

#AreYouVSOP

Love Triangles : The Truth Behind Cheating Part I

Okay, picture this:

A popular couple named Mary and John are in a long-term, committed relationship. To onlookers, it seems that Mary and John are happy. Friends and associates often witness public displays of affection from each partner, banter, and innocent flirting. Occasionally, Mary and John will even declare their love for one another on social media for the world to bear witness. So needless to say, it is obvious that these two individuals are in a monogamous relationship. In fact, those friends within the social circle idealize their union. That said, the fact remains that what is shown publicly is not always a true representation of what happens behind closed doors. What if I told you that despite the illusion of this great relationship, that a number of problems occur in Mary and John’s relationship? What if the reality was that John has been cheating with a woman we will call Jessica–a sexual relationship that predates Mary and John as a couple?And not surprisingly, Mary is unaware of Jessica’s identity….but oddly enough, she knows that her boo is unfaithful and may have had several affairs outside the relationship. To make matters more interesting, Jessica is very much aware that John is in a relationship, but continues on as his secret lover. Well John, Mary, and Jessica are members in love triangle.

Now, if you had a reaction of disgust towards Jessica in her role within this affair, you more than likely share the reaction of mainstream society. After all, the mistress, for one reason or another, is typically the one deemed most accountable in situations like the one described above. And more often than not, we relate with Mary, label John a “2 timing jerk,” and refer to Jessica as a “home wrecker,” or a “hoe.” And let’s face it, John is usually forgiven and given a clean slate, even after repeated offenses. Meanwhile, the”other girl’s” image is tarnished and she is devalued by both men and women alike. Being that this is a controversial topic, the voice of the “side chick” often goes unheard, in fear that she will be shamed and judged for her lack of self control. An experience far too taboo to address, leaving the mistress silenced from expressing her viewpoints and conveniently protecting the cheater’s reputation.

Love triangles are known as interactions between three individuals within a relationship system, by which each member carries out a pattern of behaviors that create an unhealthy relationship cycle. Love triangles can serve a few functions. In most systems, it is used to alleviate stress within a primary love relationship. The 3rd person in this case is used as a distraction to provide temporary relief from relationship conflicts. In other cases, the unfaithful partner may pull in a 3rd person when feeling insecure in the primary relationship (i.e.: suspicions that their partner may be cheating and therefore he or she must beat partner to the punch). The security provided by the 3rd person may also compensate for some voids within the primary love relationship. In this dynamic, the unfaithful partner may place the 3rd person on reserve as an alternate love interest (just in case the main partner breaks up with him/her). Some cheaters tend to also gain a sense of power and control through cheating. Cheating, for these people, provides a feeling of empowerment– it allows the cheater to make up for relationship failures by feeling successful in other areas of his/her life. However, simply put, cheating can be viewed as a red flag for low self esteem; a need to be desired by others as a means of gaining approval. Those individuals who cheat, even in secure relationships, utilize cheating as a way to build self-confidence. The acceptance provided by the 3rd person tells the cheater that he/she is wanted. In all, for the cheater, admiration seeking becomes addictive; a hunger that is never fully satisfied.

Now given the details of this “love” pattern, we can now ask the obvious question. Why, would a “side piece”, continue “creeping?” Here are some answers. Jessica similarly to Mary, has a co-dependent personality. A co-dependent in any unhealthy relationship, will place lower priority on his/her personal needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of the dependent. In fact, co-dependents indirectly encourage cheaters to continue cheating! Prioritizing the needs of others and neglecting the self is not at all uncommon in co-dependent individuals. But what the co-dependent may not be aware of is how his/her “selfless” acts empower a person who may likely crave control, and who has become masterful at the art of manipulation. Other factors to consider are what makes the co-dependent more prone to this personality trait. Arguably, one may consider nature vs nurture; the idea that personality is formed by environmental or biological causes. In short, one develops co-dependency via their social environment (home, school, media, etc). Those individuals who have been exposed to domestic abuse, not exclusive to physical abuse, but also including mental and emotional abuse, are most vulnerable. Although, some may say that co-dependence is just natural in some personalities. Co-dependency also plays a major role in self-esteem and self-worth, as the overly selfless often learn from their environments that they are undeserving, and therefore unworthy of healthy love relationships. This trait is found at the root of all obsessive lovers and explains why co-dependents stay in love triangles. So basically, co-dependents remain as a side piece because their main objective is to keep their ‘lover’ happy by any means, perhaps in hopes that they will at some point become the main lover. This thinking is sometimes driven by manipulations of the cheater, who may give the co-dependent false hope for a future. In terms of morality however, the co-dependent becomes  ‘numb’ after having been involved in cheating cycles for so long.

To conclude, love triangles are clearly very unhealthy. They hinder growth in love relationships and cause considerable emotional damage. And cheating problems seen in love triangles are far more complicated than uncontrollable lust–they are driven by complex emotional, behavioral, and social issues.

 In the follow-up blogs, we will take a further look at the profiles of the cheater and the main partner.

Disclaimer: The statements outlined in this blog do not define all situations seen in cheating dynamics, but rather discusses a basic overview on the principles of infidelity, and factors that may contribute to such relationship systems. Furthermore, the character names used in this blog are fictional. Any connection to real life events or actual persons is purely coincidental.

By: Saylor C Brook

Disclaimer: The statements outlined in this blog do not define all situations seen in cheating dynamics, but rather discusses a basic overview on the principles of infidelity, and factors that may contribute to such relationship systems. Furthermore, the character names used in this blog are fictional. Any connection to real life events or actual persons is purely coincidental. 

Trending Topics: #Marriage

In an age when time and space are conquered by technology, we have become so digitally intimate and involved with the lives of those both near and far. The dissemination of personal information no longer requires the archaic phone-call. Word of mouth is mastered under the140 character format. No more dialing to update the family on the good news. Instead, those fingers will type your happiness and send it out for the world to see in less than a minute! How could you possibly deny it? Social media (Facebook, Twitter, Instagram etc.) has taken our private lives and made them 24/7 accessible and assessable. No longer are the days when our lives and experiences were shared one to one. Rather, we “post” our lives for all of our friends’ review, in hopes that we’ll win the unspoken, but extremely intense, “like” war. It’s actually rather ironic, when you consider how close we’ve become as a people while driving the actual intimacy out of our real lives.

Anyway. To the point! While discussing life and love, a friend and I stumbled upon the not-so new phenomenon of young marriage. Why are “everybody and their mammas” getting married and having kids, while we, more career driven and goal-oriented folk, instead chase personal growth and success? What makes marriage and children so appealing in their 20’s? I know that I barely know myself well enough to bring another person into my life for the rest my life, let alone to bring another human into the world that will depend on me while I’m still searching for me. We went on to talk (actually text, ironically) about how social media plays a part in all of it.  Are our friends following a trend? Maybe they’re being subconsciously triggered by images of Bey and Jay on the run with little Blue. Surely the glamour of Kim and Kris Hum– I mean Kanye’s marriage, combined with the arrival of beautiful baby North West has some influence. Yes of course that’s part of it, but the bigger picture is not so farfetched as it may seem. They may actually be following (pun intended) their biggest influences…each other!

There’s a science to it, I swear. See, our digital selves are vastly different from our real selves. With social media, one has the ability to create a façade around a coal of a life with every selective post, eventually making diamonds for others to admire.  Quite literally, DIAMONDS! (Assuming you’re in your 20’s) How do you feel when your friend posts that engagement rock selfie that says her boyfriend of 3 years “liked it so he put a ring on it”? Genuinely happy of course, but I’m sure that some self-searching is soon to ensue. Some, if not most, will wonder why they haven’t attained that level of happiness. In fact, I’ve seen the jealousy with my own eyes! It looks and sounds like “I’m so sick of seeing ______’s post about her wedding! Like, do we all need to know that you’re getting married every minute of every day? Some of us just want to live our boring unromantic lives and eat pizza.” (not an actual quote but #ijs) I imagine this person is either out there somewhere filling that gaping hole with a slice or making efforts toward finding “something real”. I personally am a sucker for children and always find myself thinking, “I would do that right now if I just had the money.” …Who the hell am I kidding?! I’m 25 and don’t have a pot to piss in!

What I’m saying is social media has downgraded and uploaded the social experience. We are no longer following tradition, but rather images… on instagram. Back in the day (don’t know when) people married young for economic reasons or out of arrangement, sometimes even for love. Today it almost seems as though we’re getting married young because everyone will “like” it. Now, I’m not knocking anyone’s happiness. Whatever’s real is beautiful, and if yours is a real love then I salute you. I just worry that it all makes a sacred ritual and “the miracle” extremely trivial. Couldn’t those wedding funds be used to build financial stability? One honeymoon vs one hundred vacations? Are we evolving or dissolving? Any thoughts?… Tweet em.

 

by: Jared Dixon
@itsjdixon
http://www.jaredixon.net

 

I Love Him Because I Hate Myself pt.2: DRUNK IN LOVE

Photo Credit: @thablck5heep

Drunk in Love
Breathing through that last glass of wine
That travels through your veins
Escaping your present state of mind
Eloping to a conscious diluted coma
Engulfed in flames surrounding your den of lies
Burning a sweet fragrance
to disguise the aura of bullshits aroma

You be all night

Lust fills your eyes and releases
The time that flies by during the week
Where quality time is returned null and void

Incomplete
conveniently available when the moon speaks
you reply first yea I’m not sleep,
to him 1st message received out of 3
so you win and he knows what that means

You be all night

Filled with the symphony of melodies
Allowing your body to become his piano keys
He plays you
But in your world he’s making love to you
And it feels good
As long as your well is filled with 90 proof
So you feel all of him, skin to skin
You cant move swimming in his kids

You be all night

Drunk in love
You be all night
But in the Morning……

Greetings and salutations, welcome to the continuation of the “I Love Him But I Hate Myself” series. If you have not done so already, I invite you to be brought up to speed by reading the first post in this series, “LOVE…So Many People Use Your Name In Vain.” To fully understand the context and theories of my opinion, it would best serve you as the reader to digest the aforementioned. This blog is entitled, “Drunk In Love.” Do enjoy

 

Dear Ladies:

His name was Dorian. He attended a major university and had the presence of the most desired male on campus. A superstar athlete, scholastic achiever and philosophical philanthropist that had a smile that spoke to the wind. I mean ladies adored him as if he were their cold glass of iced tea on a hot Georgia day. When he spoke, women gazed into his eyes and became lost with his words and astute presence. Standing over six feet tall, his clothes complemented his masculinity, creating an uproar of competition and admiration. Blinded with tunnel vision, Dorian only had eyes for one lady. Her name was Lena. Lena played hard to get because she too was a very attractive woman that had plenty of options. Why would she ever settle for anything less than a Dorian? In her mind and in her world she deserved the best. Her desire for attaining a high profile, quality man was her primary objective before engaging in another sorry-excuse-of-a boyfriend. Her previous boyfriends were “bad boys” that fulfilled her inner lust of that lifestyle.

Needless to say, when Dorian approached Lena he wooed her into a romantic vision of perfection, with promises of admiration, love, honesty, and respect. Lena fell head over heels like she was back in grade school. This is what she always desired. She had been praying for a GOD fearing, educated, attractive man that saw her for more than just her physical attributes. As time went on, their relationship grew as well, intensifying itself from casual dates to thought- stimulating conversation. It was inevitable that their relationship would eventual evolve into sexual desires. It was a Friday night proceeding another romantic, eventful evening and Lena invited Dorian up for a night recap in her dorm suite. Dorian took her hand and looked her in the eyes saying, “Lena, I love you and before we go any further, I think you should understand that I don’t believe in premarital sex; I believe that as a Christian man, I should trust The Lord and wait to take our relationship to a sexual level. I am willing to give myself to you wholeheartedly, spiritually, and mentally, allowing our relationship to blossom into something that you have never experienced with anyone else.” Gently he asked her, “This doesn’t change things does it?” Lena gasped and turned grey, took a step back and remained speechless. She turned and looked into the hallway mirror nibbled on her bottom lip and closed her eyes. Dorian took that as her answer and with a bowed head slowly exited her dorm room. WOW. Do you know how many times I’ve heard a woman say that they want a good, God fearing, respectable, honest man? Well what happens when he shows up? Often times women say things like they want a God fearing man, but really they want someone that is something like a Christian as long as his faith doesn’t compromise or interfere with their fleshly needs.

LET’S TALK ABOUT SEX LADIES. That clearly is the elephant in the room. In the previous blog, a very artistic description regarding the ideals of LOVE was presented. Each emotion and physical activity has always had a divine purpose. Have you all given deeper thought as to why we engage in sexual activities? Sex is an important aspect in relationships (if you disagree you’re lying) however, we live in a sexually driven society that celebrates and empowers the act without fully understanding why. Society markets sex as an integral ingredient in having a healthy relationship however, there are so many single sexually liberated individuals, which forced me to reflect; personal experiences have afforded me a chance to re-educate myself on sex and the risk associated with it. Through the process of deep thought, evaluation, and reflection (months on end) I was able to form a “working” definition.

God being the manifestation of LOVE, manufactured man through his own image and took from man his rib. Built to stand side by side with her king, God prepackaged the most precious gift He could provide by creating woman. In doing so, God gave birth to matrimony, a sanctified union. When married men and women engage in sex, they are really celebrating a reunion. During intercourse, a man enters a woman, and the celebration of unification and spiritual wholeness begins. Woman, who was once taken from man, has been restored when the two become one body, mind, spirit, and flesh. As the man enters the woman, they have reconnected back to one flesh, becoming the image of GOD whom is love. The two literally have just made LOVE by doing so. Have you ever engaged in true LOVE making before with that focus, spiritual intentions or intensity, or do you still see nothing wrong with a little bump and grind? Let that digest before you move on.

Sex is like a beautiful rose growing in a bush of thorns. Its elegant existence and purpose is overshadowed by sexually explicit behaviors that we are taught which represents the thorns, making it painful to embrace. The world as we know it has diluted our consciousness to believe every dirty thing there is to imagine sexually. These epiphanies emancipate us from its original perfect blueprint designed by our Creator and Architect. His plan didn’t involve child support payments, sexually transmitted diseases, pornography, broken hearts nor coincidental lesbianism (oh now she’s gay right?) I mean ladies, how many times do you wake up and regret the decision that you’ve made by giving yourself to another undeserving male? The fact of the matter is, sex is more dangerous now than ever before. The penalty for making poor reckless decisions outweighs the joyous feeling of patience and anticipation for something that you have been craving . “All good things come to those that wait” (except when it entails your sex drive?) It gets to the point where you stop counting certain people simply to justify that it wasn’t a real sexual experience. Some of you will even say, “I have to sample what I am going to be stuck with for the rest of my life,” because truth is the moment your sexual numbers became number two, that’s when the confusion bean; now you have knowledge of something different. How can you grow sexually with a loved one if you have shared so many other experiences with a great deal of other unworthy individuals?

A lot of us are sexually confused to the point where we are just never satisfied and we keep sampling different strokes with different folks, still finding our spirits are left broke. Our drunken state of mind has become intoxicated with lust, tarnished by our reputation and trapped in the depths of our insecurity. As we continue to hop from bed to bed sharing each other’s DNA, we are literally leaving a piece of our subconscious with someone else while inheriting portions of their contaminated vessel, yet you continue to pull your panties back up. Have you ever randomly still felt connected to someone years later after a sexual experience with them or find yourself thinking about them sexually, later feeling disgusted by it? Part of me believes that a piece of our soul is released with every sexual climax, but that’s just a theory. So again I ask, if you came face to face with a good guy, how much baggage would he have to accept before he decides to commit to you based on your sexual actions? In addition, how much baggage would you condone from him just so that you can justify how you feel about yourself? It’s not a coincidence that you lay next to a reflection of your inner hatred and despise the fact that he had an opportunity to waste your time. You both drink from the same well of promiscuity and insecurity. Who you give yourself to is a direct reflection of how you feel about yourself.

So are you in love with you or hate who you have come to be? It is believed that “drunk sex is the best sex anyone could ever have with someone” or at least that’s what society wants us to believe. We use alcohol to bring us to a place of physical pleasure, which in most cases leads to sexual liberation just so we can temporarily escape present reality. Webster’s dictionary defines the word drunk as: “overcome by strong feelings or emotions; caused or influenced by intoxication to the point of impairment of physical and mental faculties.” Someone out there is asking, “what the hell does this have to do with loving someone because I hate myself?” Who are you sexually in a sober state of mind? Let’s take alcohol off the table for a second. How often do you find yourself in a sexual relationship with an EX boyfriend? Too uncomfortable to move on sexually because he’s what you know and what you are used to. He failed at being the man you wanted him to be in your poor insecure world and you’re too stubborn to compromise your sexuality. How many female friends do you have that are someone’s mistress or side chick? Or what about the girl that doesn’t feel pretty enough? She hates her skin tone, body weight and facial features, so she uses sex to escape her feelings of loneliness and insecurity by attaching sex to a feeling of comfort and acceptance.

Finally, what about the girls that just plain old love sex. “MEN DO IT SO WHY CAN’T WE?” You’ve heard that crock of nonsense before right? Quite frankly, it’s so sad that our men have led our women to this place of resentment, confusion and reckless acceptance. My message to her is your sexual escapades are secretly masked as enslavement. You created a sexual need that has you out of control and it digs you deeper into a cesspool of bondage. How will you ever settle for one guy comfortably and actually grow sexually with him without comparing him to what Tyrone used to do? Some of you women are drunk, literally and emotionally. Your system is polluted with lies, insecurities and in some cases drugs and alcohol. They have you trapped within your sexuality and you utilize sex as a weapon thinking a 90 day rule is providing some sort of solid foundation to fornication. Two kids later you find yourself in a situation where your sexual desires have you drunk in love and now you lack substance. Now you are ready to learn from your mistakes and are willing to think more with your heart. However, you are too intoxicated to recognize a good man in a sober state of mind and too damaged for that good man to want to deal with. What do you have to offer? So what happens next? Is there light at the end of the tunnel for you? I think it’s time to sober up.

Stay tuned for my concluding post entitled, “In The Morning.”

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Is It Picture Perfect (Do It For The Likes)

With the endless advancements in technology and social networking it’s become easier to lose sight of our true identities. Social media allows its users to mask their insecurities and depression with the click of a button! However; while we are posting pictures for social validation, a piece of our self esteem is being uploaded and exposed to open criticism. For some folks relevance and purpose to society can truly become based on the number of followers, likes & re-post they receive. With each post to social media we become hyper detached from human interaction and immersed in digital criticisms.
Studies have shown that the rate of depression and anxiety have risen in the age of social media. This is 100% contradictory (give or take a few bitter scorn men/women post and subliminal) to what we’re bombarded with on a daily basis from our timelines. Its become a trend I like to call the “For The Likes” (FTL) competition. Now the competition is simple and we’ve all been a participant at one point whether you want to admit it or not. I thought it’d be fun to examine some of the top ten categories of #FTL posts and explain my logic for this designation, so here we go:

10- The “exotic meal or just a meal that most do not usually indulge in” post.

Okay here’s the caveat, maybe these folks are genuinely trying to put their followers up on game for a surprisingly good meal OR just intending to diminish the domesticated image of themselves and build up this culturally refined image through #foodporn. Do not worry we are not judging we just admire your indulgence in the finest cuisine 😉

9- The vacation post or I’m going out of town post.
Simply a post to brag Im here and your not… It is almost a way to either let people know that you are always on the scene or enjoying an experience that most do not have the opportunity of enjoying. You mad or #Nah?

8- The transformation
From transformation Tuesday to throwback Thursday and even on occasions flashback Fridays, these post are usually very revealing or highlighting a personal journey that someone has gone through (most likely some weight loss or ugly duckling to bad bish). We believe that this post is the hardest post to decipher because some of you share great testimonials that can truly serve as inspiration, but then you have the “flaunters”. Y U No Humble?

7. I’m going to the gym
Just like the transformation post the gym post can be very hard to tell if its #FTL or if you’re really putting in work. However for most health crazed freaks progress is supposed to be noticed not displayed.. So all of you with the “I’m in the gym” post but still look the same, you’re clearly not NOT doing it for the likes.

6. Fashion post
ANNOYING. This post sometimes truly shows how people are being trendy and not really embodying the actual culture of their dress. Hypebeast around the world please don’t take offense.

5. Social justice frenzied topics
This by far is the most painful post. This usually happens with sensationalized deaths or socials injustices causing the masses to briefly go into a frenzy and taking their support to social media. Now nothing is wrong with this tactic but sometimes its hard to asses how genuine folks are and how committed to making change they are instead of attempting to appear socially aware. More over if this the call to action transcended into physically standing up for social injustices, It would be the 1960’s over again (sit in’s, protests, marches etc). Action speaks much louder than 140 characters ever will.

4. Posting of babies or baby pictures
Pardon my masculinity for a second but can we say adorable. Now there’s two kinds of baby posters (those by the child’s parents and the look at me with someone else’s child posters) Both of these post lend to the idea that hey I’m “ready for” or “great” with children, I’m such a catch! Parents we know that you are enjoying your children but posting pictures won’t get you kudos around here. For everyone else put that child who doesn’t belong to you down and get that phone out of their face, replace it with a book or a leap frog.

3. Thinking of him/her pics
This post is the only post that you will never actually see a physical person but just know her/him post are knee jerk reactions that are in direct correlation with those of you who are posting your relationships on social media. When you’re in a relationship all your single friends are having fun but, when you’re single multiply that previous feeling times 10 especially on those solo dolo nights. Sometimes the feeling is so intense that a phantom him is created in the hopes of getting the attention of someone else. In other instance a him/her really exist and it is imperative to let your followers know you’re thinking of them…. instead of using the same device you posted with to text them. OH

2. Inspirational Quote or song
These post certify that most people of social media world are either certified counselors or really going through it in life. Either way inspirational quotes that are not clichés are usually pretty dope. Affirmations and positive thinking is important for anyone who is either going through a hard time or making that transformation to a better person. It is amazing what a minor changes and positivity in your life can do for your mind body and spirit. However, when your routine selfie has nothing to do with the content of your quote you my friend are inspirational-ly doing it “FOR THE LIKES”.

1. THE Sexually Provocative Post
Originally known as a “Thirst Trap” (the act of setting a trap for an individual to comment or like a sexually enticing photo or quote) These post take the cake literally, when it comes to doing it #FTL. If you go on the various social media outlets you will see that there is an overwhelming amount of post with women either twerking or strategically displaying their best assets in order to catch the eye of the people who do not necessarily respect you. Realistically, what are you really trying to accomplish when you upload yourself to the world in such capacity. What can you possibly gain, an ig modeling contract? Ladies you are not the only ones who are guilty of thirst trapping men do it as well it just society tends to overlook it more than men (yes unfair) we know we’re equal opportunist here though so *Drops a judgmental glance* .

Let us know if we missed out on any other “For the Likes” post you’ve seen on your social networks.
Stay tuned for what we’ve got brewing we’ll drop and in case you don’t we’ll drop an #FTL to remind you! #AreYouVSOP

I Love Him Because I Hate Myself pt.1: “So Many People Use Your Name in Vain”

I love him because I hate myself..

The calm appears in the sky
After the night cried
She sleeps

Like a thief in the night
The ground creeps of lost whispers and hints of treason
As he returns being missing for weeks
She holds him

Opening up the doors of lustful penetration
Hastefully ignoring the misrepresentation of misguided erections
While dying in his lap shes neglecting
The truth in her heart that her mind is forgetting
She protects him

He rolls over
And the door closes
And despite her good hand she folds them
Shed rather lose herself than play to win
She loves him

Allow me to introduce my opinion to you in a series that I have entitled “I love him because I hate myself.” Over the next few weeks I will share the development of my emotional theories , as it relates to the concept of women, love and self hate. My opinion regarding love and sexual relationships between man and woman have all come from several sources and personal life experiences. So let us begin this journey by exploring the genesis of my thought process:

“LOVE. So many people use your name in vain. “

Dear Ladies:

To me there is no greater representation of life than that of a “woman”. The mystery of “she” and all that becomes her was specifically crafted not only to compliment “him” but to empower her riches. As I sit back and digest the ideals of “woman” I seek adjectives that speak life, create beauty, manifest power, and instill value. Acronyms and adjectives that would be sought to create a portrait of a woman, would leave an artist like Michael Angelo breathless, after creating a visual masterpiece. The elements of this world would not be enough to articulate her life or value to man. To me she is a silhouette of a sweet dream in the spirit of the almighty God. She is the perfect gift to the rightful rulers of this planet as men attempt to fulfill our ordained destiny to love, honor, uplift and cherish her. For she is a rose, with many thorns, in a garden full of weeds. As a man, we must tend to our garden.

The true understanding of self requires a source of knowledge, truth and understanding. Love is defined as a strong or constant affection for a person; attraction that includes sexual desire; the strong affection felt by people who have a romantic relationship; the object of attachment, devotion, or admiration. On the other hand Sex is defined as the state of being male or female; physical activity in which people touch each others body, kiss each other; physical activity that is related to and often includes intercourse; the functional behavioral characteristics of organisms that are involved in reproduction.

Now that we have a clear representation of what we seek and engage in as humans, allow me to take this definition and sprinkle an essence of forgotten spirituality in this disastrous recipe. When I contemplate about love and what it represents I must first recognize that it is a form of energy that is charged by a source and transferred into another person. We all learned in grade school that energy can never be created nor destroyed; it is simply transferred from one object into another. GOD is LOVE and the ultimate source to manufacture the greatest emotion that we are permitted to express to a person, place or thing. One can-not express an emotion unless they are “FILLED with it.” Hence the expressions “filled with love, filled with joy.” In the same manner we have all at some point claimed to be “IN LOVE” with someone in a particular phase of life once upon a time or in your current situation. Many of whom have no source to manufacture, harvest and nurture this vivacious ball of energy. So we throughout our lives we transfer these out of control, hormonal, irresponsible, overflowing charges of energy from one spirit vessel to the other. Ladies maybe you can relate to this this experience, think about that one girl friend in your circle that seems to have found love from a different male every 6 months. “GIRL I THINK I FOUND THE ONE. THIS MAN IS SO DIFFERENT. HE CALLED ME TWICE TODAY IN THE MORNING AND IN THE AFTERNOON JUST TO SAY HE WAS THINKING ABOUT ME.” As matter of fact there are lyrics to a song where the hook identifies a need to transfer an empty emotion into a male that is lost. “Been around the world and I can’t find my baby. I don’t know where and I don’t know why.”

Backtracking a bit, we define the word “source” as a place, person or thing from which something comes or can be obtained. God being the source and true definition of Love, I have to ask how will a person filled with such a thing without being hard wired into the core power. If you believe that Man were made in his image, it is safe to say that we were born to love, adore, worship and acknowledge the source as the primary vehicle to achieve a matrimonial destination. Men were made to worship the Good Lord with spirit, love and truth. As man began to worship him in the beginning, God gave him a gift far greater than the riches of this world. He created an equal support system for us to TRANSFER that energy source of LOVE that GOD is into HER. WOW. Fellas we have to understand the power that was bestowed upon us. Our responsibility to love a woman correctly shall break the evil cycle of hatred that plagues this world. “When women are happy the world is a better place” as Pres. Barack Obama once stated.

My message to you women is simple. Know and understand your worth and value to a man. You should know that you are his rib, a breath of life, a restoration of peace and cohabitant of LOVE. When seeking a male counterpart, look to your source and rest IN his LOVE. You have to know who you are, where you come from and how you are supposed to be loved. (Read Proverbs 31~)

The truth of the matter is, many of you are just plain old bored with life. You’ve survived that feeling of acceptance of who you are when no one is around, for quite a while now. Many of you travel with your baggage of lies, manipulation and confusion walking around aimlessly looking for something to do. The more time you spend with yourself, the more you realize that you can-not stand the feeling of self -pity, lack of intimacy and helplessness. You begin to fill that void with someone who is the perfect compliment that feeds your inner hopeless romantic with temporary fixes of sex, excitement and “potential”. Men are not projects, crossword puzzles, or any other form of architecture that requires a woman to build him up into that great blue print that you envision for YOUR life. God has already ordered that step and laid out the perfect guidelines specifically for man to follow because we were made in his image. Don’t miss that. How often do you exert energy and waste time trying to “groom” the male persona so that he fits into your perfect bubble of expectation? This form of overcompensation and confusion masks the feeling that you are settling for someone less than what you feel like you deserve. Don’t believe me? Consider times when your excitement for something new allows your mind to gather all your likes for this man, processing those feelings into an artificial set of emotions. Doing so you are connecting an unstable bridge from the mind to the heart. You begin to compress those core ideals of “likes” into a snow ball and create a temporary solution to fulfil that missing link of self-hatred. But that snow ball is only cold and has no real substance to survive the changing seasons (Cuffing Season). When things start to heat up in the relationship, all those likes that you formed into a snow ball begin to melt away and you are left alone in another season of hatred, bitterness, frustration and loneliness. The funny thing about hate is, you can be that primary source of energy all by yourself. When you continue to add these simple Simons in that circle of yours you just dig yourself deeper into an abyss of hatred.

The problem as I see it is the obvious disconnection between God, Man and Woman. How a man treats you at times can be a direct reflection of how you feel about yourself. If you look into the eyes of your significant other and you do not see the better half of yourself then something is wrong. Ladies do you even know how you want to be loved? My question is what has the world taught you about love? And when seeking love how closely does the love you seek align with your self esteem? Where is your source of love coming from?

Stay tuned for next our next installment as I look to expand on the idea that to many of our queens are “Drunk In Love” wherein no sanctuary of truth there exists…

Written by: Mr. Nice Guy