I Love Him Because I Hate Myself pt.1: “So Many People Use Your Name in Vain”

I love him because I hate myself..

The calm appears in the sky
After the night cried
She sleeps

Like a thief in the night
The ground creeps of lost whispers and hints of treason
As he returns being missing for weeks
She holds him

Opening up the doors of lustful penetration
Hastefully ignoring the misrepresentation of misguided erections
While dying in his lap shes neglecting
The truth in her heart that her mind is forgetting
She protects him

He rolls over
And the door closes
And despite her good hand she folds them
Shed rather lose herself than play to win
She loves him

Allow me to introduce my opinion to you in a series that I have entitled “I love him because I hate myself.” Over the next few weeks I will share the development of my emotional theories , as it relates to the concept of women, love and self hate. My opinion regarding love and sexual relationships between man and woman have all come from several sources and personal life experiences. So let us begin this journey by exploring the genesis of my thought process:

“LOVE. So many people use your name in vain. “

Dear Ladies:

To me there is no greater representation of life than that of a “woman”. The mystery of “she” and all that becomes her was specifically crafted not only to compliment “him” but to empower her riches. As I sit back and digest the ideals of “woman” I seek adjectives that speak life, create beauty, manifest power, and instill value. Acronyms and adjectives that would be sought to create a portrait of a woman, would leave an artist like Michael Angelo breathless, after creating a visual masterpiece. The elements of this world would not be enough to articulate her life or value to man. To me she is a silhouette of a sweet dream in the spirit of the almighty God. She is the perfect gift to the rightful rulers of this planet as men attempt to fulfill our ordained destiny to love, honor, uplift and cherish her. For she is a rose, with many thorns, in a garden full of weeds. As a man, we must tend to our garden.

The true understanding of self requires a source of knowledge, truth and understanding. Love is defined as a strong or constant affection for a person; attraction that includes sexual desire; the strong affection felt by people who have a romantic relationship; the object of attachment, devotion, or admiration. On the other hand Sex is defined as the state of being male or female; physical activity in which people touch each others body, kiss each other; physical activity that is related to and often includes intercourse; the functional behavioral characteristics of organisms that are involved in reproduction.

Now that we have a clear representation of what we seek and engage in as humans, allow me to take this definition and sprinkle an essence of forgotten spirituality in this disastrous recipe. When I contemplate about love and what it represents I must first recognize that it is a form of energy that is charged by a source and transferred into another person. We all learned in grade school that energy can never be created nor destroyed; it is simply transferred from one object into another. GOD is LOVE and the ultimate source to manufacture the greatest emotion that we are permitted to express to a person, place or thing. One can-not express an emotion unless they are “FILLED with it.” Hence the expressions “filled with love, filled with joy.” In the same manner we have all at some point claimed to be “IN LOVE” with someone in a particular phase of life once upon a time or in your current situation. Many of whom have no source to manufacture, harvest and nurture this vivacious ball of energy. So we throughout our lives we transfer these out of control, hormonal, irresponsible, overflowing charges of energy from one spirit vessel to the other. Ladies maybe you can relate to this this experience, think about that one girl friend in your circle that seems to have found love from a different male every 6 months. “GIRL I THINK I FOUND THE ONE. THIS MAN IS SO DIFFERENT. HE CALLED ME TWICE TODAY IN THE MORNING AND IN THE AFTERNOON JUST TO SAY HE WAS THINKING ABOUT ME.” As matter of fact there are lyrics to a song where the hook identifies a need to transfer an empty emotion into a male that is lost. “Been around the world and I can’t find my baby. I don’t know where and I don’t know why.”

Backtracking a bit, we define the word “source” as a place, person or thing from which something comes or can be obtained. God being the source and true definition of Love, I have to ask how will a person filled with such a thing without being hard wired into the core power. If you believe that Man were made in his image, it is safe to say that we were born to love, adore, worship and acknowledge the source as the primary vehicle to achieve a matrimonial destination. Men were made to worship the Good Lord with spirit, love and truth. As man began to worship him in the beginning, God gave him a gift far greater than the riches of this world. He created an equal support system for us to TRANSFER that energy source of LOVE that GOD is into HER. WOW. Fellas we have to understand the power that was bestowed upon us. Our responsibility to love a woman correctly shall break the evil cycle of hatred that plagues this world. “When women are happy the world is a better place” as Pres. Barack Obama once stated.

My message to you women is simple. Know and understand your worth and value to a man. You should know that you are his rib, a breath of life, a restoration of peace and cohabitant of LOVE. When seeking a male counterpart, look to your source and rest IN his LOVE. You have to know who you are, where you come from and how you are supposed to be loved. (Read Proverbs 31~)

The truth of the matter is, many of you are just plain old bored with life. You’ve survived that feeling of acceptance of who you are when no one is around, for quite a while now. Many of you travel with your baggage of lies, manipulation and confusion walking around aimlessly looking for something to do. The more time you spend with yourself, the more you realize that you can-not stand the feeling of self -pity, lack of intimacy and helplessness. You begin to fill that void with someone who is the perfect compliment that feeds your inner hopeless romantic with temporary fixes of sex, excitement and “potential”. Men are not projects, crossword puzzles, or any other form of architecture that requires a woman to build him up into that great blue print that you envision for YOUR life. God has already ordered that step and laid out the perfect guidelines specifically for man to follow because we were made in his image. Don’t miss that. How often do you exert energy and waste time trying to “groom” the male persona so that he fits into your perfect bubble of expectation? This form of overcompensation and confusion masks the feeling that you are settling for someone less than what you feel like you deserve. Don’t believe me? Consider times when your excitement for something new allows your mind to gather all your likes for this man, processing those feelings into an artificial set of emotions. Doing so you are connecting an unstable bridge from the mind to the heart. You begin to compress those core ideals of “likes” into a snow ball and create a temporary solution to fulfil that missing link of self-hatred. But that snow ball is only cold and has no real substance to survive the changing seasons (Cuffing Season). When things start to heat up in the relationship, all those likes that you formed into a snow ball begin to melt away and you are left alone in another season of hatred, bitterness, frustration and loneliness. The funny thing about hate is, you can be that primary source of energy all by yourself. When you continue to add these simple Simons in that circle of yours you just dig yourself deeper into an abyss of hatred.

The problem as I see it is the obvious disconnection between God, Man and Woman. How a man treats you at times can be a direct reflection of how you feel about yourself. If you look into the eyes of your significant other and you do not see the better half of yourself then something is wrong. Ladies do you even know how you want to be loved? My question is what has the world taught you about love? And when seeking love how closely does the love you seek align with your self esteem? Where is your source of love coming from?

Stay tuned for next our next installment as I look to expand on the idea that to many of our queens are “Drunk In Love” wherein no sanctuary of truth there exists…

Written by: Mr. Nice Guy

“The Relationship Forum” Presented by Brighter Than Entertainment

This Sunday 12/29/13 Brighter Than Entertainment Presents: “The Relationship Forum” Hosted by renowned poet Jamaal St. John at SCATZ Restaurant and Jazz Lounge 139 Main St. Ext. Middletown, CT 06457. “The Relationship Forum is a monthly series of open discussions between men and women hosted throughout the US addressing the principles of love and the realities of navigating relationships in today’s world. This dynamic forum promotes a good dialogue and communications between men and women and is a safe place to discuss relationship issues and gain solutions for presented problems.” You can purchase advance tickets for the event at therelationshipforum.brownpapertickets.com or contact Tracy@BrighterThanBefore.com

Your Expectations Do Not Necessitate My Compliance

Gender based social expectations are a funny thing, inasmuch as they reveal a lot about the people who defend and perpetuate them. Growing up in a traditional Christian and West Indian home, I’ve become all too familiar with gender expectations. As a teenager, I grew up resenting the idea of me having to learn how to cook and clean, not because I was lazy or incapable of doing those things, but because of the reasons people offered to convince me I needed to learn to do them. In high school I barely understood what it meant to be a feminist or a womanist, but deep down inside I always felt a disconnect and a slight rebellion to the gender traditions of which my family and church continue to hold on. My argument has always been to teach me how to function, and survive as a woman who needs to learn to take care of herself first. I was never interested in anyone teaching me to cook and properly clean, simply because one day I was to become some man’s wife. Because first of all, where is he? Last time I checked I’m still single (and have been for quite some time now), so why was I being burdened with the responsibility of learning to care for a man during my adolescence, when at 23 he is still no where to be found? I’m not sure if my mother and aunts constantly telling me, “cooking and cleaning will keep a man.” was supposed to be some sort of incentive for me to learn, but at sixteen that intangible prize of a future husband did not suffice. To this very day I resent the idea of me being nurtured into a role I’m not even 100% sure I will be privileged enough to have. While I do hope and pray to become a loving, nurturing, responsible wife and mother some day; I refuse to make day to day decisions constantly contemplating an unseen man and my unborn child(ren). I am single, and childless and I believe that now is the appropriate time for me to enjoy learning, living, and doing just for me (and God of course).

Despite my frustrations with, and resentment for these gender expectations; I must admit that I often times find it hard to completely dismiss them. It’s as if the more I resist these expectations, the more people reinforce them to me, and attempt to force them on me. However, if I try hard enough to forget the literature I read, dismiss my formal education, and force myself into humility; I am able to conform to these roles (tis a very tedious task). During these humble moments I often think of the disconnect between my generation of women, and those of previous generations, who tend to naturally assume roles and feed into the expectations that my generation has become more and more courageous to question, and even bold enough to resist. In these moments of contemplation, I also find myself frightened by the many assumptions people make about my future because of my gender. Recently, a woman who use to take care of me as a child called to congratulate me for completing undergrad. She took me for a long, slow stroll down memory lane, then eventually told me how proud of me she was. She then went on to make the request for me to continue to hold my head high and make her proud so that, (wait for it…) the next time she calls she will be able to receive even more great news- the announcement of my wedding. Unfortunately for very single me, more great news to her is not me receiving a MD, a Ph.D, Psy.D, JD, or MS, but my marriage certificate. When I scratch my head and screw my face at those types of comments, I wonder if I’m being irrational, and snobbish for taking offense. However, I highly doubt young men receive congratulatory calls from loved ones on their graduation day with mentions of marriage. In fact, they’re probably getting just the opposite, seeing as they’re young, educated men with a plethora of options that they’re naturally inclined to explore, right? Yet, my next pursuit should be to find a man, and get him to propose to me. (I don’t know what to do first, roll my eyes or clasp my hands and beg God to send me my man ASAP.)

These gender expectations frustrate me, mainly because they make it difficult to want the things you want, when and how you actually want them. Yes, I want to learn to make gourmet meals, but I want to learn so I can have fancy dinner parties with my girlfriends and colleagues, and to be able to contribute something tasty to the office pot-luck. Do I want to learn how to properly do laundry? Why of course! So that I can preserve the brightness of my colors, and not shrink my favorite maxi-dress. And yes, I definitely want to get married, but not because it’s on the checklist of things I must do before I turn 30, and especially not right after undergrad. I really would love for people to realize that just because they expect me to want something, doesn’t mean I’m obligated to want it when they expect me to, how they expect me to, or any at all for that matter. I am an individual who has set expectations for myself, which were framed with MY benefit in mind. I’m still learning myself, my wants, my needs, and MY expectations for myself, and for those I allow into my life. I don’t need, nor do I want to be burdened with the expectations tradition has picked out for me, but don’t always quite seem to fit my current ideals. As a woman I would appreciate people appreciating me and what I want, above the roles they see fit for me. Yes, I am a woman, but that identity means way more to me than what others expect it to mean. Call me crazy, but I’d like to believe that I define my womanhood, and I refuse to allow its social connotations to define me.

By: A. Wisdom

Originally published on: UrbanCusp.com