I’m just tired.
Like all the way tired.
And I pledged. Any of us that pledged or saw somebody pledge, knows tired. I’m that. But not in the same way that I was in the Fall of 2005.
I wrote a couple of pieces on this blog, last year, but I’m not the same person. Let me give some insight into who I am right now. I’m now a dad of a moving human being, which is way different than being a dad of a stationary, crying human being. I’m sure every parent reading this agrees, and all future parents will understand. I also, in an attempt to follow my dreams, got a second job. In about 3 out of the 5 weekdays, and at least one weekend day, I am working about 5 to 6 extra hours on those days. This is a dream position for me, but the time spent there is time spent away from my mobile son, and my loving wife. Speaking of the loving wife, we have joined a new church; we are slowly but surely becoming more involved in the church and I think it’s a great church home. I’m very young in my faith journey, but I feel good in that sanctuary. I have a semi neglected doggie, a brother, parents, and grandparents I don’t talk to enough, friends that I’d love to see and engage with more often, 4 weddings to go to in the next 6 months, a 1st birthday party to plan and execute, I’m trying to keep up with Suits (btw, best show on TV), fighting depression that my Knicks stink AGAIN, and a whole bunch of other things.
But there’s a question that can certainly be asked: you have all this good stuff going for you – why the heck are you complaining? Well dammit, that makes me tired as well. I have NOTHING to complain about. I struggle for nothing. My life is great and I’m VERY happy. Like genuinely happy. And yes, I’m physically tired, but I brought that on myself, and frankly, that tiredness (is that a word?) has a large hand in why I’ve become so much happier. But like I said before, I pledged. I can handle the physical exhaustion.
Why am I writing? I’m just so emotionally drained by politics LIFE right now. I’ve never been so emotionally drained by something that doesn’t overtly affect me everyday. Race and politics and privilege starts and ends my everyday. It’s draining. Just today I had a back and forth about whether it’s ok to compliment a woman. To some reading this you might laugh and say of course, but there’s a whole school of thought and feeling that it’s not ok to objectify a woman for how she looks, whether you’re being nice about it or not. And if you want to go down that rabbit hole, by all means do that, but that’s another exhausting conversation. It can stand in line with Beyoncé, and Kendrick, and Black Panthers, and respectability politics, and Bill Cosby, and why black women are single, and super Tuesday, and Trump, and Trump supporters physically pushing a girl who could be my cousin out of a rally, and #BlackLivesMatter, and wait, don’t #AllLivesMatter?, and of course, stupid, but the black folks are getting the brunt of the injustice right now so we specify that particular group being that they are the ones who are being mistreated and killed without justice… stupid, and why don’t I see anybody who looks like me in my workplace, and why doesn’t anyone who looks like me win Oscars, and why don’t black actors have regular roles, and why do white people want to say nigga so bad, and I know that we have more pressing issues but this one is also important, okay, and what’s wrong with praying for Nigeria and for Paris, and what’s in our food, and why is it so warm in the first week of March, and who the
FC*K didn’t replace the toilet paper and WHY?! Basically my life has become one long Jadakiss song.
Sometimes I just want to turn off and not have to think about the injustices of the world and specifically the community with which I identify. Some days I want to go through that day and not be made upset by a new article. Some days I just want to wake up and take my son to daycare and go to work and work and pick up my son and take him home and play with him and feed and bathe him and put him to sleep and have sex with my wife and go to sleep myself – WITHOUT being emotionally drained on top of the physical draining that life brings everyone.
I just don’t want to. But then I feel guilty for that because I love my blackness and yours. I also prescribe to the thought that an injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. So I’ll continue to be emotionally drained, some days more than others; all in hopes of one day not being frightened for my son to leave the house when he’s old enough to do so.
By: D. Rubenstien
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